Driving back from one of our weekly trips to Riley Children’s Hospital gives me a chance to really think about things, Abby is usually passed out after her visit, and I am sure the full tummy helps. But today I was thinking about who I was as a person before and who I am now. Before having kids I had a relatively negative view of life – school of hard knocks and all. I was convinced I always had the short stick and life was horribly unfair. Since having my children I have learned many things, but my daughter has taught me more about myself than I ever thought possible. If you told me 4 months ago that I would be a ‘tubie’ mom and all that goes with it, I would have been mortified at the idea. I have learned that I am far stronger than I ever imagined and I can be patient, and happy about it. Take it one day at a time. My daughter wakes up every day with a smile, even though most of her calories come through her tube. She is always smiling and happy and she loves everyone around her. Her positive attitude has made me question my own way of thinking, I was always a glass is half empty kinda girl and now I realize my glass is full. My daughter may have a tube and some feeding issues, but I walk through the halls at Riley and I see all the ways we are blessed, I wish I was invisible when walking through those halls, because my daughter ONLY has a feeding tube. She doesn’t have some nasty disease that will kill her, deform her, or otherwise complicate her whole life. My daughter has a hurdle and we are climbing it every day, but I know someday soon we will be over that hurdle and not have to look back. Most parents walking through the halls at Riley don’t have that luxury. Today I realized that this is just a tiny speed bump in our lives, and the old me would have seen it at as a mountain.
For those of you that like to post how welfare is depleting our tax dollars, let me explain something to you. I am disabled. I suffer chronic pain due to an auto immune disorder. My immune system is fusing my spine. It is a degenerative disease, I will eventually be in a wheelchair. I fought SSD for 4 years and won my case. 4 years. Think about that. I have been fighting with medicaid for OVER 20 years. Seriously. I have been awarded medicaid based on my disability, just as many times as it has been taken away because they don’t think I am disabled. I have proven time and time again that I am, in fact, disabled. Yet every few months medicaid drops me or determines they don’t want to pay for my medical bills. I have jumped through more hoops, made more phone calls, and bawled my eyes out more times than I can count. I thought I had finally come out of the tunnel – I won my SSD case, thanks to ACA I also have medicaid along with my medicare. I thought it was smooth sailing. Nope. I was notified by SSD a month ago that after a review they determined I am no longer disabled. So here we start the appeals. I received a letter Saturday from medicaid stating that they over payed back in 2012 and I now owe them 5 thousand dollars. Seriously. For those of you that think government benefits are free… nothing is ever free. I have lost more sleep and cried more tears freaking out about this. Most people give up. The system was created to encourage people to give up. It’s just not worth fighting for. Now I need to find a decent attorney and fight all this… with money I don’t have. I get $700 a month from SSD, I feel so sorry for single people trying to live on it. Luckily I have a husband, but we can’t afford an attorney, so I guess I will go into, yet another government system – Legal Services- and see how screwed up it is.
I have not allowed myself to update recently because I was afraid of what I would write, as my hormones have been completely out of control and I have been very short fused. But as I near the scheduled date of eviction (September 11th) I am starting to freak out a little bit. First of all, having a baby is scary for ANY/EVERY woman, but I have to be put under general anesthesia for my c-section because my back is so messed up. I do not like being put under, it always takes so long to come back and be coherent, plus the risks are scary too.
Add to all of that my mother in laws manipulative BS and I am about to seriously lose my shit. I told her I really don’t want anyone at the hospital to which her response was – that’s ok sweetie, I would rather help out around the house anyway. The very next day she was all like: but I really want to be there, I told her we will see. Well she backed the hubby into a corner last night and told him that I told her she could be there when the baby is born. Ummm helltothefuckno – I DID NOT say that. EVER. See it will take them about 50 minutes to sew me up while I am under, and once I am taken off the anesthesia it will be another hour or so before I am coherent. I would like some time to bond with my daughter before I have to deal with my MIL. Is that too much to ask?? I mean really, if she gets her way SHE will see/hold my daughter before I do, and I may be just a hormonal mess right now, but I don’t think I can live with that. I have never been around or forced to deal with such back handed manipulation in my life. Both of my parents and most of my family are straight shooters, they say what they mean and mean what they say. We do not play games. I have no idea to handle her. Urgh. So yeah that’s my rant for the night.
Ok, I know I am hormonal and pregnant, but people are really trying my nerves this week. No less than 4 times in the last couple days I have had to use a public restroom – Abby is beating up my bladder non – stop. So when I am in the restroom either I have to wait or I have had people rush by me, to take “the big stall” you know the one… that has bars on the walls to help people get up and down, and usually the toilet sits higher to make it easier on folks that have mobility issues… yeah you know the one I am talking about. The one that is ALWAYS taken even though all 10 of the other stalls are empty, and they are taken by perfectly capable people. Now I know that businesses usually put the baby changing station in there, and it’s better to use if you have small kids with you, and that doesn’t irk me, it’s when you walk out with a smug look on your face that says “I am entitled to the big stall because I am important” that I want to hit you in the head with a blunt object. Granted, other than being obviously pregnant – you wouldn’t know by looking at me that I have mobility issues, or how much pain it causes me to get up and down, but these folks are agile and young and capable. I guess they just need a little extra space. Urgh. Also… on my pet peeves for the week… all 3 cars that turn left on yellow, you know those ones in a hurry so when your light turns green you have to make sure they get to go first. People where is your empathy?? Where is your consideration for other people?? STOP feeling entitled you are no better than anyone else. Ok.. end rant.
Well this pregnancy has had a lot of ups and downs, I have been consumed by the day to day and getting through each day one at a time. I am sorry I have neglected this page, it was not my intention. But shortly after my last post I ended up in the ER where they diagnosed me with Hypermesis Gravidarum. Read: morning sickness on steroids in the middle of a roid rage.😉. I am still on medication for it and it does help. A few months later my sickness was back and the medicine wasn’t helping at all and it was accompanied by a strange heartburn kinda feeling. I blew it off for two weeks until one night it just wouldn’t go away. My husband forced me to go to the ER, which in and of it’s itself was a cluster’F’ all it’s own. We went in around 10pm – they gave me the equivalent of a super tums and tried to send me home. Around 4 am they got my labs back and I was suffering from severe pancreatitis. My enzyme levels were almost 4000 and they should be less than 100. So yeah it hurt a bit😉 But they ended up admitting me and transferring me to Methodist in Indianapolis as neither of the hospitals here in Lafayette would admit a 21 week pregnant woman with pancreatitis. *shrug*. I kinda looked at it like a nice 5 day vacation, I got to sleep when I wanted to and not worry (too much) about my son. Then 3 weeks ago I failed the 1st gestational diabetes test – I attempted to take the 3 hour test but couldn’t keep the sugar yuck down. So now I have to check my blood sugar levels 4 times a day and watch what I eat – which is frustrating because I don’t eat a lot of carbs and now I have to. I also have to eat 6 times a day which makes eating a chore and no longer fun. But through all of this I have kept my eye on the prize and I feel is a small price to pay for the miracle baby I will have in a few weeks. I just feel really bad for those in my immediate family as they have been scared to death this time around, and I think my nonchalant attitude makes it worse. I feel blessed to be carrying a second child and I can’t wait to hold her in my arms. So yeah… there’s my last 6 months folks.🙂
So I have been really sick the last 5 days. Severe Nausea etc. I assumed it was “welcome to week 6 of your pregnancy – let’s try to kill you over the next 6 weeks – morning (ALL DAY) sickness”. Then last night my son got sick and puked every half hour all night. Which made me think.. hrmmmm. I wonder if maybe I had a bug and not the plague of morning sickness?? Today I feel fine, not nauseated at all, so here’s hoping! I kept Finn home from pre-school today, hoping he feels better. On a happier note I had a wonderful massage Wednesday night, followed by some awesome girl chat, it was very relaxing!! I can do this.
I created this blog to share my innermost thoughts, demons, struggles, etc with being a mommy. So how can I not share now that I am terrified that something will go wrong? For those of you that know me, you know I have been trying to have another child since mine turned 1. Growing up as an only child I never wanted that for my kid (I was pretty lonely as a child). I bought the OvaCue Fertility monitor 3 years ago for almost $300, I thought – ya get what ya pay for, right? Yeah it didn’t work. So then I paid to see a fertility specialist, he wanted me to undergo a bunch of expensive tests that I would have to pay out of pocket for. Instead I went on Clomid for 6 months. Then Sam went and got tested – he was fine. So I waited a few months and then invested another $100 in ovulation strips. Still nothing. I am still waiting for my back pay from SSD and I was thinking about going in for invitro when my check comes. Then in the middle of the night I got an idea… I happened upon a Clear Blue East fertility monitor on craigslist and did some research. I decided to give it a try… the first month wasn’t all that accurate as I didn’t figure out how to reset it until it was too late. So the second month I reset it and began using it. 4 weeks later – wallah I am pregnant. Sam and I wanted to wait until we were safely at the 12 week mark when the chance of miscarriage goes way down, but that would defeat the purpose of this blog.
I am terrified that if something goes wrong… well you know. I shudder at the thought of the looks of sympathy, I am not sure I could handle it.
I am excited, but with the excitement there is also fear, I did over a decade worth of damage to my body carrying my son. Granted, I took some medicines (prescribed) that helped with the pain, but they contributed to the damage. I was put on Vicodin during my first trimester and it made me really sick without any pain relief, then we tried morphine with similar results. At the start of my second trimester they put me on prednisone – a steroid based anti-inflammatory, which wouldn’t have been that bad except I couldn’t do the step down. When prednisone is prescribed you start with the highest dose and work your way down to nothing, I however took 4 a day for a week, then 3 a day the next week, then 2 a day for a week THEN back up to 4 a day and so on… I am fairly certain that’s what killed my gallbladder and my teeth. So yeah this time around I will be more cautious with the meds I take. I am already on prenatal vitamins and probiotics, we will see what the Doctor says at my first appointment in February. But as of right now I am only taking two tylenol a day – before bed so I can *try* to sleep. I am using a heating pad and just taking it slower. I also bought a blood pressure monitor, so I can catch any BP issues early. Had problems with that last time around. So yeah. That is what I am going through this week.